My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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