I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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