I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
