I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
whose parrot is this?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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