seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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