I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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