Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
