Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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