he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
