Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I understand Curling. That high.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
