I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
