there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
