i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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