Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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