Sponge bath it is.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize