Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
