it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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