do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
