I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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