i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
he shaved USA in his pubs
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
