once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
