i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
