Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Randomize
