I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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