Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
