hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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