i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Randomize
