were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize