id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I don't deserve a penis
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
