I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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