i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
