Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
