I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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