I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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