i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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