I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize