I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
