You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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