marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
