i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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