just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
