i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
