I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize