the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
