What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
