My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
