she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
