every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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