I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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