So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
