Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
