we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Send help, water and tortillas.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
