I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just blew my weed a kiss
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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