Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
