the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
